In recent years the turn of events in my life have been entirely surprising and at times downright atomic. It’s certainly become a theme in my work and what I’ve shared through my social media channels (see here & HERE).
Jobs, homes, relationships, interests, and plans have shifted, dissolved, imploded, and arisen in unexpected but always necessary ways (I write about these alleged ‘necessary’ ways next time - so stay tuned!).
Birth-death-rebirth is as reliable cyclical pattern as both the mythology and science of Wheel of Life would suggest. Yet why, in the thick of it - be it my own experience, or that relayed to me by my clients - is there this shared sense of it feeling unnatural.
More than that, why can experience of said change feel equivalent to something as terrifying as hell?
My sense is that we grow out of the groove and expectation of change, especial as our autonomy and privileges manifest through choices like our lifestyle, home environment, friends, employment and the rest.
Additionally, the pace of modern living is such that choice has become an overwhelming proposition for many as resources like time, space and wealth diminish in our lives to varying degrees.
I mean, who the hell has the energy and capacity for change-by-choice beyond switching to a plant milk alternative? (If that’s your thing).
Change is a destabilizing, unpredictable and uncertain entity.
Whoever coined ‘better the devil you know’ has basically given us all an excuse to not do a single new thing for the rest of our days, because the unknown is apparently equivalent to a Satanic idol who only wants to make you suffer and burn in an eternity of misery.
Problem is, however, we don’t always get to choose change.
Consistent change on a micro-level, on the other hand, is a shared phenomenon that can test and trigger us all.
Whilst major change feels like the only constant in my life over the last 10 years, the same is not necessarily true of many of my nearest and dearest.
My life has dished up a pretty heady mix of major changes where sometimes I ‘chose’, and other times experiences/circumstances felt ‘thrust’ upon me.
Each time I found myself in the same metaphorical situation: like trying to hold sand in my open palm, while nearly all the granules slipped through my fingers. My powers of control limited and futile against the inertia of the circumstances and it's flow-on effects.
Despite the overwhelm, I would effort to find new and more ‘successful’ ways to ride the waves.
What these cumulative experiences have shown me, is just how far I've come - and baby, I've come a long way!
So, anyone who knows life-changing experiences (birth, death, marriage, job loss/change, home-moving, etc.) would be well acquainted with that delightful feeling of being rubbed up the wrong way. And how ultimately there's nowhere to hide from this ‘assault’ to our sense - namely lack - of control, power and containment of said situation.
Q: So how do/can we respond to it?
A: With anger, sadness, bewilderment, defiance, rage, paralysis, helplessness…?
Absolutely. All at once. Or one at a time.
I should know I’ve tried them all, and a multitude of variations on these themes.
So what’s actually worked? For me, I focussed my approach on doing that which didn’t:
exacerbate the stress;
perpetuate a negative trajectory of thinking/feeling;
keep me feeling incapable/disempowered; and
hijack my recovery.
In doing this I was able to soothe, nurture and eventually heal what showed up.
I could transmute (feel, embody and process) the experience so that I eventually moved forward with my life.
Is that going to work for everyone? Maybe yes. Maybe no.
It really depends on you and the specifics of the situation and your desired outcome.
What I learned (again and again), was the art of surrender.
I practiced acceptance.
I became devotional in my self-compassion.
And what matters the most when learning & bringing these new ways of being into our mind-body?
The ability to embrace how imperfectly we will do it.
If we cannot be OK with the truth of our human fallibility in our recovery and response to challenge and change, then that’s when shit really will hit the fan.
This is especially true for those of us that tend to be proactive and organized in response to the unexpected showing up in our lives.
In theory, we will nod and agree that a more receptive or passive-feeling approach might be the ‘right thing’ and we will give it our best go, but initially as a new way of responding to life, we will predictably be inconsistent, a little bit shit at it and feel like we’re failing.
I know this because this is how I used to feel and judge my efforts and experience.
Unless we had an exceptional upbringing, unique schooling or are in fact the Dalai Lama re-incarnate, our surrender, acceptance and self-compassion practices will initially be inconsistent and at times they will fail completely.
That’s just who we are.
Our humanity literally underwrites our imperfect nature.
And how we make peace with this truth, in testing times, is going to determine how well we ‘weather’ change.
So my dear ones, be ok with your imperfect response to change and challenge. It’s right on point. And you are in very good company.
Big love! x
